There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don’t feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your daysfulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to connect to anyone or anything.
this isn’t how I thought I would feel with 6 months left until I graduate from college.. everything is supposed to be coming together but in reality it’s all just falling apart.
I don’t want it to be like this.
I wish I had a lot more answers.
I don’t know when home became a place that I dread going rather than my comfort place..
I’m sorry that I’m sad but I don’t choose this. This isn’t me. Home isn’t home. Home is a feeling, not a place. and this place that was home, doesn’t have that feeling anymore..
I can’t decide whether my life is a joke, or a nightmare.
Life is a test. That is why the most misfortune and hardship happens to the best of us. The innocent and strongest of us. Life constantly challenges the fighters and those who never give up, because they are the individuals who make living worthwhile. They are living proof that struggle is beauty if endured. It is those handful of people who show to the rest of the world that life is truly unfair, but still they’re unconditionally grateful to just be living and breathing. Regardless of the trials and tribulations they must always undergo, they always find a way and will to overcome them. It is these people who have learned how to genuinely laugh during and after all the toil and pain they’ve experienced. It is these people who still soothingly smile despite their broken well beings, because in the end, being broken is beautiful. Life will inevitably take its course, and it is these people who don’t try to control or fight fate— they make the best of it.
if you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. you are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. you are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, and my tendency to be too clingy. you fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how i’m a hopeless romantic at heart. if you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. but, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when i’m with you, the way i’ll text you in the mornings just telling you i hope you have a great day. you’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things i say, and the way i blush when people ask me about you. but to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.
Now I’m running towards both finding myself, and creating myself. I’ve never felt better. I’m alone and yet I don’t feel lonely. I’m finally starting to realize that in this life, you have to save yourself.
He was not my boyfriend. On the other hand, he wasn’tjust a friend either. Instead, our relationship was elastic,stretching between those two extremes depending on whoelse was around, how much either of us had to drink,and other varying factors. This was exactly what I wanted,as commitments had never really been my thing.And it wasn’t like it was hard, either. The only trick wasnever giving more than you were willing to lose.
i’m empty. i can’t help but to feel alone in a crowded room. i feel like i’m not living, just merely existing. losing someone just doesn’t make any sense. how am i ever supposed to be okay. when does it get better? why the fuck am i trying to hard to keep it together when the entire world couldn’t blame me for falling apart.
i’m sad. i’m invisible. i’m numb. what the hell is happening to me?
i’ve never dealt with the loss of my grandpa.. maybe it’s because i never understood it. after losing my grandma.. i feel as though i’ve finally realized that none of this seems real. what is the point to all of this when it comes to an end anyways? why on earth should we have to hurt like this. it isn’t fairrrr. lifes not fair blah blah that’s bullshit. this is bullshit. why must all good things come to an end? why have good things when they end? why not just have mediocre things that go on forever.
i’ll never make her homemade biscuits with my kids, or sail paper boats down the canal with my kids. she won’t get to hold my babies. and that, i absolutely hate. I loathe this feeling more than anything in the world.
I want to be okay.
I’m Homesick.
- I Miss my mother more than anything else in the whole world. I hope she’s okay and taking things day by day. Her strength keeps me strong. I need her.
- I miss my dad. I miss knowing everything’s alright.
- My brother leaves for treatment tuesday. I need to write him a letter. Despite his issues, I love him more than he’ll ever know. I believe in him.
- I miss Suzy. I miss knowing that we would always be a part of eachother’s lifes. because it doesn’t feel that way now. I hate that I’ve been replaced. I hate that shes about to have a family of her own, and that I won’t get to be the auntie we always planned. I hate that I won’t get to be with her at the hospital.
- I miss Danielle. I miss our conversations, our drives. our friendship.
Getting back into a routine here, is beyond difficult. Being on my own is much harder than the dorms. I miss someone being around at all times.
This years, Hard.
![Tomorrow I’m starting my once again love affair with the gym & this time my goal is to make it a lifetime love affair. Getting the weight off is one thing, but I also want to be HEALTHY. Over the next 11 weeks (my last in ellensburg!) I’m going to give the gym 210% every day that I can in hopes that when I leave here I will continue my journey to health and fitness :]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxbi2bPWkj1qztuoeo1_250.jpg)
